I am not ok. I rolled the thought around and tried it on like very expensive clothing I wasn’t sure I wanted to barter my emotional money for. The statement stood stark and sure-footedly by itself. I am not ok. As factual as my being - it sat like a small stone at the bottom of a great waterfall. The cascade of emotions in that waterfall symbolic of an inner turmoil I am unable to follow to the source. I took a step and stood on that small stone. I did not teeter. It did not rock beneath my weight. The cascade now breaking upon and around me, I did not lose my place, because this IS my place right now. I belong here in this mighty river standing delicately but definitely upon this stone in still reflection. I am not ok, and for the first time in my life I know this seemingly slippery place is actually a haven; the place I need to be. I do not need to struggle my way back to safety. This is where I need to start. I have set myself free from the need to explain away, identify or escape this momentous state of being.
Before, in a place like this, I would have been bolstered by knowing “this too shall pass”; knowing I have always come out, knowing if I simply do what I need to do I will not fail. These knowings are still mine, but they are distant and vague, their quiet reassurance drowned out by the noise of the waterfall. I shout out loud, louder and louder, eager for, but unable to hear my own reassuring voice. I hope, like the wolf, another will hear and answer, adding their own voice to my cries. But I stand alone in the moonlight, while others are sleepingly unaware how deeply I feel this and how caught I am in this inner turmoil and dissension. I am alone here. And I am not Ok.
I am not a solitary creature by nature. People are my strength, my refreshment and my solace. Yet nothing is more definite for me now than my need to reel myself in, gather myself about me and create a protective sphere of isolation. It is a luxury I can not manage without yet struggle to arrange. Caught in the practicalities of life, I am falling apart inside while my every day life assumes a sort of numbing sameness and distance. I cannot escape these people, these responsibilities, these expectations. I look for activities of solace and escape and yet have not enough time to partake of these. Collections of un-requited interest and knowledge pile around me, teetering stacks of untouched potential. I am driven to fill internal needs yet unsure of what I need. Small moments of self-discovery are scattered and precious amidst the chores of daily living. Even communication is a burden to me now. I want nothing more than to walk away from people and interactions and needing to be attentive to the details of life. I am too numb and too raw to well handle the minutiae and intricacies of even simple conversations, let alone difficult ones. Honestly I find it difficult to care about having finesse in the outside world when I am drowning emotionally in my internal world. What cost will I pay now for normalcy? What do they see when they look at me now? Am I so alone in my relationships that not one of those closest to me knows I am suffering from something I cannot grasp? These people who think they know me so well sometimes do not look beyond what they see. A consensus of momentary insanity accounts for a lot of passing frustrations. I do not ask them, because I cannot provide an explanation for the space I find myself in. Without explanation there will not be understanding or acceptance, So alone I will remain until this part of my journey is done.
I don’t know what to do next, but I do know this small stone is my first solid step. I don’t see the next stepping stone yet, but perhaps if I stand directly in the torrents of the waterfall for awhile , silent and without trying to control or fight it, I will come to know more intimately its desperate nature and it’s song. Perhaps then I will hear the story from whence it came and whereto it travels so fiercely and fully. And perhaps my next step will not be a stone at all, but a giving up of what seems sure footing but really is the last step on an old journey and the first step on a new journey. Perhaps it is not a step at all, but a release of self to whatever may be driving this. Do I really need to understand why? Isn’t this what faith is all about? Why is it so profound to have faith in God and so sinful to have faith in yourself as the same kind of capable soulful being? I believe if we understood this difference - or rather that there is not difference, we would advance a million lifetimes in one small step. Perhaps there is a next step and perhaps that is it - only to have faith in myself as only a creature sure of it’s belonging with God would do. And of my current state of mind and emotion? Is this part of the old journey or part of the new journey? I feared I might lose myself I if I embraced this place, but I still feel the full extent of who I am. I’m not even sure I feel lost though the landscape is strange and different.
I shall ponder this from the sanctuary of my small stone. Closing my eyes, the emotional rush pounds against me strong but not so much a stranger as before. Test my faith as it will, I do not believe it will break me nor I it. I am done fighting against this wash of emotion and will embrace all this unknown power into my being hoping thus to make it my partner for the future. For now this small stone sustains me amidst my new truth - I am not Ok and I am where I need to be until I no longer feel separate from the emotional waterfall of my being.
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